5 Strategies for Dealing with Disappointment

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This weekend I watched my sister perform in the musical “Into the Woods.” And she did a great job, by the way! In the story, the woods is where the action happens – challenges, lessons, temptation, and loss.

I work with a lot of students who are in the woods. They are struggling with a challenge or disappointment and trying to navigate their way through it. Almost daily I find myself reminding students and parents that there are many paths to success.

Disappointment can come in many forms – low grades, loss of employment, ending of a relationship. We don’t always get the life we planned – and even when we do, it’s not always the way we expected it to be.

Here are 5 strategies for dealing with disappointment:

1. Don’t take it personally. This is not to say it doesn’t hurt. Rejection, criticism, and disappointment can be painful. It’s ok to be sad, upset, or angry. But don’t let your ego get you stuck there. Our ego tells us everything is personal, but many of life’s disappointments are not about us but rather about the way someone else sees the world.

2. Try again. The way you respond to rejection is a choice you make about who you want to be. You may be steps away from victory, but if you give up now you will never know. Let your disappointment fuel your creativity and drive. Focus on your strengths and look for opportunities to take another chance.

3. Be flexible.Disappointment is the result of reality not meeting our expectations. When we allow our expectations to be flexible, we create more possible acceptable outcomes. Look for another path that may lead in the same direction. Think of rejection as redirection.

4. Remember you are not alone. If you have been rejected, you are in good company. Walt Disney, Albert Einstein, Oprah Winfrey, Thomas Edison, and Marilyn Monroe were no strangers to rejection. If you aren’t getting rejected, you aren’t taking enough risks.

5. Have an awesome backup plan. We don’t always have control over getting what we want in life – having a baby, getting a job, meeting someone special – but there are still plenty of great options that are within our control. If plan A doesn’t work out, what is something awesome you can do that is within your control? Invest your time, money, and energy into yourself – plan a vacation, pamper yourself, or pick up a new hobby.

Image by Nicolas Raymond

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Managing Your Boss Saves You Time

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Today Paul Gordon Brown published a great post on What They Didn’t Teach You in Grad School: Managing Up. He is right on when he said, “learning to manage up entails a critical set of skills necessary to advance and be successful in your career.” I share the following tips on how to successfully manage your boss in my Time Management workshop. I have been presenting this information to groups of students and young professionals for years, long before I started working for my current boss. Regardless of your age or professional level, I think these tips are still helpful.

Why is it important to manage your boss?

•  An adversarial relationship with your boss can cause stress (which equals wasted time)

•  When your boss trusts you, you will be given more freedom to work independently (big time saver)

•  A positive relationship with your boss may result in additional resources or support (that may save you time)

9 Steps for Managing Your Boss

1. Bring solutions not excuses

Believe it or not, your boss doesn’t have all the answers. And if he/she does, it may not be the answer you want to hear. It is better to bring the solution you would like to see than to take a chance on the solution your boss may suggest.

2. Exude confidence

When your boss sees that you are confident, you are more likely to be trusted and given more autonomy. This creates more flexibility for you to do your work independently as well.

3. Prepare your “done” list

Be prepared to share your accomplishments with your boss. When you are asked “what have you been up to?” or “how’s it going?” you should have a positive response that demonstrates your contributions and productivity.

4. Clarify

Clear communication and expectations are paramount to your success. Be sure you understand what is being asked of you, who you can turn to for help, and how your success is being measured. If necessary, take notes in your meetings so you can refer back to conversations about these key expectations.

5. Approach your boss with honesty, respect, and empathy

Support your boss’s decisions. Do not bad-mouth your boss. Approach your boss in private if you disagree or have a concern.

6. Manage your meetings

Be sure you know when your next meeting is with your boss and what you need to have done by then. Be prepared with appropriate questions.

7. Avoid Interrupting

Your boss is a busy person. Do your best to find answers and resources independently before interrupting your boss.

8. Don’t draw attention to your mistakes

Avoid turning a mole hill into a mountain. Overall, your boss wants to hear your good news and positive stories. For every problem you bring to your boss, be sure you have shared 2-3 solutions or positive outcomes.

9. Learn to read social cues

Timing is crucial. Understanding how your boss behaves when he/she is working on a deadline vs. feeling sociable can increase your chances of gaining positive or negative attention. Do not attempt small talk if your boss appears stressed. On the other hand, if he/she is feeling sociable take the opportunity to share a few success stories.

Check out another great article on What Everyone Should Know About Managing Up at Harvard Business Review.

3 Ways to Strengthen Your Relationships and Grow Your Influence

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Last week, there was an article in the Chronicle of Higher Education written by two seasoned college presidents. In the article, both presidents highlighted the critical role of relationships, which reminded me of this previous post on the importance of relationships. For presidents, relationships are crucial to being an influencer.

The president is often seen as the most influential person on a campus. However, we all have influence. Whether we have positional power or are trying to influence someone in a higher position. All members of the campus community can be influencers.

Some people we can influence through relationship are donors, supervisors, and peers.

How do we improve our ability to influence through relationships?

1. Our presence. Our ability to influence is affected by how others perceive us. How do others see you? What qualities do others admire about you? These qualities may not be the same characteristics that we see as our strengths. For example, you may believe that others most admire you for your expertise and experience, but they may actually love your sense of humor the most!

2. Service. When we think about donors, we may focus on what they can provide us. But when we ask what we can give them, we may be surprised that we have a lot more to offer – opportunities to reconnect with faculty and alumni, recognition at campus events, or networking opportunities. When we serve others, we are proactively building our relationship with them.

3. Shared interests. One of my favorite quotes is “If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.” When we impose our influence through rules and positional power, we take away other people’s dignity. When people share an interest, the shared solutions can be greater than one person’s alone.

5 Questions to Help Make Tough Decisions

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That’s me standing on the Porch of Indecision

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

As Student Affairs professionals, we are often faced with some tough personal and professional decisions. In my career, I have had to decide whether to pick up part-time teaching work, when was the best time to start my family, would I consider relocating for career advancement, was I ready to get my PhD, should I accept a time-consuming volunteer role, and should I take on my family’s business. I firmly believe  we cannot be satisfied with someone else’s answer to these tough questions – we must make these decisions on our own.

Friends and family can offer advice, but the best thing they can do is ask you the right questions. A big decision can feel…well, BIG. But like a big goal, it can be more easily achieved by breaking it down into smaller pieces.

Here are 5 questions that can help to make tough decisions:

1. What would you do if you couldn’t fail?

Fear of failure often keeps us paralyzed. It prevents us from maximizing our full potential and fully exercising our strengths. When I was considering a Ph.D. program, the fear of failure was my biggest limitation. I have come to accept and embrace failure as an essential part of learning. Often our failures are not as irreversible or detrimental as we make them out to be in our minds.

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” – Tony Robbins

2. How does this decision fit into your greater purpose?

Indecisiveness or resistance to making a decision can often be rooted in an underlying value or belief. When a choice seems logical and clear, yet we are still resistant, there may be some deeper inner conflict going on. When my mom approached me about being more involved in our family business, I wanted to honor her and was attracted to the earning potential of a career in real estate; however,  real estate was not my calling. There were aspects that I would have enjoyed, and I could probably have been successful, but my passion is working in education with students.

“Deciding what not to do is as important as deciding what to do.” – Steve Jobs

3. Is this the right time?

Some decisions seem crystal clear, except for the timing. One of my toughest decisions was declining the invitation to be the volunteer coordinator for my friend’s mayoral campaign. I wanted to do it, it felt aligned with my greater purpose,  and it was a great match for my skill set, but the timing was terrible. I was a full-time working mom, struggling in my relationship, and had several other commitments. On the other hand, there isn’t always a perfect time. Timing is an important factor, but it’s not the only factor. When an opportunity arises, you may not feel fully prepared but it may be the time to take a risk.

“You can do anything but not everything.” – David Allen

4. How will you feel after you have made this decision?

Visualizing the outcome of the two or more scenarios when trying to make a decision can help us tap into our “gut” reaction. The power of intuition is discussed in a lot of decision-making research, including Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink. According to Gladwell, the more expertise you have on a topic, the more likely your gut will predict the most accurate outcome.

“There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it.” – Judith McNaught

5. What role does your ego play in this decision?

Fear, anxiety, expectation, regret, guilt, and anger are the manifestations of the ego. Ego causes us to compare ourselves to others. Ego takes everything personally. It wants to be right. It needs to feel superior. And, it can lead us to make poor decisions. When we make a decision because we want what someone else has, or we think something will make us happy, the ego is in control.

“You create a good future by creating a good present.” – Eckhart Tolle

 

 

 

 

5 Ways to Treat Students Like Family

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Giving my daughter cheap advice at the Live Oak Music Festival

When I look into the eyes of my students, I often imagine my six-year-old daughter sitting on the other side of the desk in eleven years. It’s unlikely that she will be sitting  across from me, but she may be sitting in another office somewhere. What will bring her to the dean’s office? What experience do I want her to have? What advice will she get?

My daughter is just entering the public school system. She will be completing first grade in a few months. She loves school and is an avid reader, but last week she received a behavior ticket. I won’t say what it was for, because years from now when she runs for presidency I don’t want her campaign tarnished by her mom’s blog post that disclosed she threw applesauce down the slide and soiled another girl’s clothes (oops! there I said it!), but it has me thinking about behavior and choices.

Personally, I’m hoping my daughter makes all her mistakes in first grade, and it’s smooth sailing from here into adulthood. But since I realize that’s likely not going to be the case, I’m embracing these incidents for what they are…teachable moments. I also realize I will not always be around to clean up the metaphorical applesauce and, as a mom, I hope that there will be caring adults throughout my daughter’s life who will also help her navigate through the messy, sticky situations that come up.

Whether it’s a mistake, a personal challenge, an academic setback, or another life event that  brings someone else’s child to my office, I try to treat all students with the respect, compassion, and attention I would provide to my own daughter in these five ways:

1. See their potential. Students who have been admitted to the university have already demonstrated they have great potential. Students also each possess unique strengths they can draw upon during challenging times. Looking for strengths and encouraging students to envision what is possible demonstrates our belief in them.

2. Believe them. It takes courage for students to share their stories. When we listen and validate their feelings, emotions, and concerns, students can ask for what they need and tell us how to best support them.

3. Give accurate information. Myths, out-dated information, and misunderstood policies can create stress and confusion for students. Empowered with information, students can make educated and appropriate decisions.

4. Advocate. Advocacy can take many forms. It can be connecting students to resources, speaking up for underrepresented students, creating a safe environment for students to express themselves, or educating ourselves on critical issues  in order to contribute to positive change.

5. Offer unconditional positive regard. Psychologist Carl Rogers developed the term unconditional positive regard, which means showing complete support and acceptance of a person. By showing students our acceptance and setting aside our judgment, we create a safe space for students to take risks, explore their possibilities, and maximize their full potential.

10 Interviewing Strategies Used by Top Candidates

People waiting for job interview

My department has hired 10 new full-time staff members in the past 12 months. I have been involved in many of the searches, and currently am chairing yet another search committee. It’s literally a full time job to review applications, develop interview questions, schedule search committee meetings, contact candidates, organize forums, and run everything through Human Resources. But I can’t complain too much because we’re fortunate to receive funding for these positions, and each new successful hire brings much needed expertise and resources to our student programs and services.

Each interview has been an opportunity to see into the life of another professional, learn more about the interpretation of these positions across the field, and clarify the needs and priorities of our department.

These tips are based on the strategies that strong candidates utilized to rise to the top:

1. Take the interview seriously – Submit a complete application packet, dress professionally, research the department, and look at similar models on other campuses. As a candidate, you are being judged the minute you submit your application. A sloppy presentation of yourself on paper or in person can send the message that you may not be completely interested or even qualified for the position. When you put time and effort into preparing for an interview, it is obvious to the search committee that you are committed to getting the job.

2. Ask questions that demonstrate your knowledge of the big picture and the major concerns in the field. Your questions say a lot about you so choose them carefully. Avoid questions that can be easily answered on a website, such as demographic or historical information about a university. A question about the culture of the department or how the department is approaching challenges in the field (such as social media) will tell you more about the reality of the position, as well as communicate to the search committee that you are well versed in current issues.

3. Stay on topic and answer the questions. Interviews can be stressful, and being nervous or unprepared can sometimes lead candidates to lose track of their thoughts, speak too quickly, or get off topic. Practicing your answers, visualizing your ideal interview, and learning meditative techniques can help you prepare for the interview, calm your nerves, and improve your responses. It is also acceptable to ask, “Did I answer your question?” during the interview if you suspect you have missed the mark in your initial response. If you tend to be chatty, try to tone down your answers and monitor the length of your answers.

4. Communicate your passion and how it relates to the position for which you are applying. Our passions are sometimes more obvious when we interact in social settings, but may be less obvious in an interview. I think it’s inspiring when a candidate has committed him/herself to a field and enjoys the work. As a supervisor, I prefer to hire someone with passion and energy who may have less experience rather than a candidate who has more experience but lacks enthusiasm for the position.

5. Expand on answers and give good examples. You want your answers to be concise, but not too short. You still need to provide the search committee with enough information to evaluate whether you are qualified for the position. Be prepared to give examples of how your previous experiences and education have prepared or qualified you for the job. Opt for a short description of an experience that demonstrates your skills (like when you solved that challenging problem or resolved a sticky conflict) rather than a laundry list of accomplishments.

6. Establish a connection. We all want someone who can get the job done, but we also want someone on our team who is likeable and approachable. Smile, make eye contact, and be aware of your body language to convey confidence and warmth. How you say it can be more important than what you say.

7. Elude to ways you would take the position to the next level – either directly or indirectly, without suggesting that you would change everything. New hires bring fresh energy, creativity, ideas, and perspectives. I enjoy hearing about tools, processes, or approaches that candidates may bring to the team. However, be aware that not everything is broken and some traditions are deeply rooted in the institution. It’s appropriate to share your ideas, with the caveat that whether or not they are adopted depends on many factors.

8. Speak with confidence about your abilities without bragging or using laundry lists of accomplishments. Confidence is one of the top traits employers are looking for in new hires. You may have all the skills, knowledge and abilities, but if you lack confidence it shows in the interview. People with confidence know themselves – their abilities, weaknesses, priorities, values, and goals – and can talk about their successes without having to overcompensate for their faults.

9. Limit your use of common phrases like “I think…,” “That’s a good question…,” and “I guess I would…” These phrases are often used to fill the space when a candidate is thinking about his/her response. The problem with these filler words is they make a candidate look insecure and unprofessional. Instead of filling the space, just be silent. The silence conveys the message that you are giving thought and consideration to the question.

10. Speak articulately about your experiences, previous employment, projects, and successes that qualified you for the position. Focus on specific examples that translate to the position. Describe the skill sets and how you used those skills. Identify the achievements you want to share before the interview and weave them in where appropriate in your answers.

How do you recruit the most qualified candidates to your institution?